uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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