I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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