you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
that is very illegal...i love you.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
