Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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