You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
