She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
