I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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