fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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