The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
