Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
