we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
