oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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