she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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