So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
