Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
