3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
