I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
