My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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