what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
