the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
