Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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