At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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