apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
