I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
