the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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