And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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