why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
