If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im holly from the hills drunk
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
