shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
it was like eating out sand paper
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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