I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
