I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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