"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
