she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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