There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
