I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
