he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
