the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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