youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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