but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
