I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
