we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
