My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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