I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
