I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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