from now on my penis is your penis
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
