I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
