i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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