i think i have two assholes
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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