I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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