Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
